For my entire life, I have struggled with health issues and in particular I have battled with fatigue. Eventually I was labeled with an underactive thyroid, then Hashimoto’s Disease, then adrenal issues and then Epstein-Barr virus as the cause of all of those things.
I read an article today which inspired me to write this article as it really rang true for me. It spoke about a healer who for many years had worked with people who had suffered from abuse. What she found was that the abuse, no matter what type of abuse, had led to a deep internalization of feelings of shame and worthlessness.
This shame and worthlessness, due to the inherent mind-body connection created a belief of the body not being worthy. Each cell in our body is receptive and listening to our mind in every moment. We know this know through the science of Epigenetics.
The belief of “my body is not worthy” led to these clients not being able to receive and absorb nutrients and also consequently led to the build up of toxins. The result, my body is not worthy and it is toxic from the abuse. The mental, mental and spiritual toxicity of the abuse led to physical toxicity and a lack of ability to receive nourishment. Fatigue, depression and other health issues resulted.
As I read this, it struck such a deep cord with me. I could relate totally. I have had all of those physical issues and was even told that my body was unable to process and release toxins in the way that a normal person’s does. I am in the process healing my physical body currently. I knew intuitively that learning to receive was my focus this year, hence why I’ve stepped back from business, and I’m taking time for myself. Almost half my day is spent with myself alone and in self-love and sacred feminine practice. However, the cord that struck me was that this inability to receive was due to a deep feeling of worthlessness.
Even though I had worked through my self-worth issues two years ago. It made me cry to feel that my body, for my entire life and I know many past lives, has lived in this feeling of not being worthy, when the truth is the opposite. We are divine beings having a human experience and are worthy of all we desire. So today was spent really honoring this truth and just feeling my feelings around this. Taking the time to truly acknowledge that this is how my cells are feelings despite my mind and emotions feeling otherwise.
I speak about my cells as if they are alive and conscious because they are. Refer to Bruce Lipton’s work is you would like to know more about this.
Last year I spent the entire year pretty much in a loving relationship where we practiced Tantra and sacred sexuality and this allowed the complete release of all trauma caused from sexual abuse to release fully from within my cells. This year I have been intuitively guided to give to myself. It’s like I am now filling that space with love. Rather than living in a state of managing the wound, I am now able to just nourish myself. This year I am focused on nourishing every part of my being through the following things:
- Lots of meditation and sacred feminine practices
- Good quality sleep and getting to bed before 10.30pm without any screen time before that
- Drinking good quality water and at least 2L per day
- Almost raw, vegan diet high in nutrients to nourish my body and to remove this virus from my body as well as nourish my adrenals and thyroid
- Supplements from my supportive Naturopath
- Chiropractic support with someone who understands the spiritual-emotional causes of my health issues
- Time alone in Nature
- Creativity which fuels my soul where I am writing more poetry
- Expressing my feelings, being raw and authentic with how I am feeling with no judgment of those feelings
- Balance between work / play / me time
- Stepping back from business so that balance could occur
You would think that being in the wellness industry for the past ‘forever’ would have been me walk my talk and heal my physical body by now, however it has been a real journey of peeling back layer by layer. What I see now in hindsight is that the trauma in my body was keeping me in a vibration of worthlessness and unconsciously was not allowing me to nurture myself in the way that I needed to heal. I would do so to a point. However, I was more focused on giving to my clients and to others including my relationships in an attempt to get that self-worth.
Seeking externally does not work. So I reached a point where going inward and healing myself was the only option. So this year has been beautiful with this practice of deep connection, deep love, and deep nourishment.
I am now able to take the action that I intuitively knew I needed to take in order to heal my body, and this is now what is occurring. Healing is finally occurring at a cellular level. The love that I had sought externally is beginning to sink into my cells and flush out the old dense emotional and psychic toxic energy allowing for a new vibration to exist. One of love, vibrate health and life.
I wanted to share really openly with you about this journey because I have come across so many people who know what it is they need to do to lose weight, or get healthy. Yet for some reason they don’t do it. Well, this is the answer. It’s a level of worthlessness that has not yet been healed.
It’s amazing how deeply embedded the abuse and resulting worthlessness was both in my psyche and body and I had to peel back so many layers to even get near the truth of what I was feeling deep down. I had to break down so many walls of protection and numbness so that I could actually feel what was there. It’s interesting, because they talk about Epstein-Barr virus being the cause of many health issues of today’s modern world, but that it being very difficult to even diagnose due to the fact that it buries itself deep within the cells and therefore won’t show up on blood tests.
This was the physical manifestation of the abuse which had buried itself so deeply within my body. And only a soft feminine feeling approach was ever going to touch it. As I had started out trying to heal myself with coaching modalities and mind-based modalities about 14 years ago, they served only to empower my mind and remind me that I create my reality. They never brought me into wholeness or made me feel the way I wanted to feel from the inside.
My outer confidence which has existed since the time of my birth despite my deep programming of worthlessness from the abuse, allowed me to ‘think’ that I was healed and whole. However, I had to move out of my mind and into my body and feelings in order to reach the truth, face the pain, feel it, and then love it into release and wholeness.
This journey has taken me deep into myself, which I know always had to happen. But I had searched for so long outside of myself looking for healing from courses, healers, teachers, books and partners. Going within has given me the inner strength that I thought I had lacked and showed me how to experience within my body my power, connection to truth and wisdom and of course the ultimate, love.
So even though I am not on the other side yet of this physical healing journey, I feel emotionally whole for the first time in my life, and know that my body is now finally able to catch up to how I emotionally feel about myself. So my practice this year of self-love and self-nourishment will reprogram the cells of my body through my conscious awareness and intention to receive again and to release all the past programming.
It is a process and although I’ve seen some of my clients do this healing effortlessly and quickly in my retreat, my journey has not been that way. It has taught me patience and absolute self-compassion and detachment from the outcome. It has also humbled me to no end due to the fact that I teach this work and yet am still on my own journey. However, my focus is now on myself and my work second and I will continue to do what I always have done, which is to share with you all that I am learning.
I am not here to be a guru, I just want to serve you through my own experiences and learnings in the hope that it will inspire in you a path to greater healing, wholeness and empowerment.
Love Tamika Hilder
2nd April, 2016